Fine, just not completely fine!

I am sitting in a waiting room in a hospital. Have done this a lot through my life. For me, for others, in a way this is a regular part of my life. Something I am used to. Something I anticipate.

To say my life is difficult I feel it would be wrong. Because in reality I am not here all the time. I do have life outside of this chair, very active life with things I do and people I care for. I travel, I learn, it is beautiful.

And shadowed. Every single good thing in my life is shadowed by the next waiting room. It is like I cannot make a clear cut. I fail to feel completely present in any moment, place or person. I have read and trained myself enough to know that this is a form of anxiety, just without the heavy symptoms. My anxiety makes my life a little bit dull, colorless, excitementless…

And all this is happening somewhere in the back of my mind. And the scariest part, for the longest time I have accepted it like a normal thing, like this is how my life looks like, not so vibrant, not so exciting.

Question now is: Do I want my life to look like this? Am I completely happy looking through these dirty glasses, feeling with this slightly hardened heart that makes things less exciting than they actually are?

Because my life is beautiful. I have my walks in my green city. I have groups of people that get me and support me. I have the opportunity to learn and grow, which is very important thing for me. So yes, maybe I have things to worry about but I also have so much more that are functioning just fine and I am taking those for granted every single time.

So the idea is in the next period to start and romanticize my life a little bit more. Or at least to acknowledge the good things more often. To smile like there is no tomorrow, because literally there might not be. And this is the funniest part. You would think that all this waiting rooms will teach you that life is short, unpredictable, it should be lived to the fullest. But what I am doing? Diminishing it, waiting for the next shoe to drop every single day.

And it will drop eventually, just not today. I am writing this post from my waiting room chair. With so many other people around me with hope in their hearts and paralysis in their lives. I know it is not me only, I am not that special. Which makes this bigger. Just how many of us are walking this road of numbness?

At this moment I can only hope that this self therapy of mine will be my reminder to be present in the next, on the surface, "mundane" task. It's just that there is nothing mundane in our lives. Every single thing that we do builds us, shapes us and gives the structure of our life. But the taste, the topping of the cake that comes from the manner in which we do the things that we do in our life. How present we are, how much do we let ourselves enjoy the small things, how much time do we spend in engaging in things that makes us happy.

I am aware that this is me. Yet I feel like there are others out there who are fine just not completely fine. And I’ve come to understand that this is the only way forward. Nobody will come and make our lives better, more interesting, more fun. We are the only ones that have the power to do that. Why not use it?

Always hope-full,

Diana