Permission to take up space in your own life, a word or two on boundaries

A Guide to Boundaries That Strengthen, Not Separate

What I’ve come to learn the hard way is that: you can love someone deeply and still need Tuesday nights to yourself. You can be an incredible team player and still leave the office at the end of the regular working time. You can be a devoted friend and still say, “I can’t make it this time.”

I used to think setting boundaries meant shutting people out, like I was closing doors in their faces. But what I’ve realised is that boundaries are really just honest conversations about what you need to stay whole. They’re the quiet agreements that let both people breathe, be themselves, and actually show up for each other without resentment building up in the background.

The Dance We’re All Doing

Think about your relationships for a second. There’s this constant dance happening, right? You’re trying to be there for people while also being there for yourself. Sometimes you’re crushing it. Other times? You’re either burning yourself out trying to please everyone, or you’ve shut down so completely that nobody can really reach you.

I’ve watched friends, even myself, pour ourselves into relationships until there’s nothing left. I’ve seen colleagues say yes to everything until they resent everything. And I’ve definitely been the person who thought “being close” meant being available 24/7, until I realized I was just... exhausted.

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about creating the kind of space where real connection can happen, the kind where you’re not keeping score, not secretly seething with resentment, and not wondering why you feel so drained all the time.

Start With You

Before you can tell anyone else what you need, you have to figure that out for yourself. And honestly? This is the part most of us skip.

Grab a coffee, find a quiet corner, and ask yourself:

• What actually fills my cup versus what empties it?

• When do I feel most like myself?

• What situations make me want to fake a emergency phone call and bolt?

These aren’t rhetorical questions. Your answers are the GPS coordinates for your boundaries.

I am the perfect example of a person who needed time to understand their boundaries. From family, partners, friends, it was always what can I do, where should I go, how should I adjust in order to make others happy, in order to be accepted, in order to be seen. As expected, at one point, this all went to hell.

Freedom Isn’t Flaking

What worries me these days is how easily we go in to extremes. From having no boundaries to becoming a person that ghosts their best friend or bailing on commitments whenever they feel like it. Healthy boundaries provide that both people will get to be whole humans with their own lives, interests, and need for alone time, without guilt trips attached.

The healthiest relationships I’ve seen? They’re the ones where people give each other room to breathe. Where your partner can spend Saturday doing their thing without you assuming it means something’s wrong. Where your colleague can decline after-work drinks without it becoming a whole thing.

When you confuse love with constant availability, everybody loses. You end up anxious. They end up feeling smothered. And the relationship that could have been amazing becomes something you’re both just... enduring.

Here’s a mindset shift that changed everything for me: saying “I need some space” isn’t rejecting someone, it’s honoring both of you. It’s saying, “I want to show up as my best self, and I need to recharge to do that.”

Truth-Telling (Without the Drama)

Honesty is where boundaries either work or completely backfire. You can have the most reasonable boundary in the world, but if you communicate it like you’re either apologizing profusely or issuing a royal decree, it’s not going to land well.

Vague statements are boundary killers. “I just need some space” makes the other person’s brain spiral into worst-case scenarios. What does that mean? Are we breaking up? Did I do something wrong? Should I text you tomorrow or in three months?

Try this instead: “I need Tuesday and Thursday evenings to work on my photography. It helps me stay creative and energized, which means I’m actually present when we hang out on weekends.”

Or in a work context: “I don’t check emails after 6 PM because I need that time to unplug and recharge. It actually makes me more focused and productive during work hours, so I can give my best to the projects we’re working on together.”

See the difference? You’re not leaving them guessing. You’re painting a clear picture while also explaining the why.

The Framework That Actually Works

Okay, let’s get practical. Here’s how to communicate a boundary without sounding like a robot or a jerk:

Get specific first. What exactly needs to change? “I feel unappreciated” is too vague. “I need you to acknowledge my contributions in team meetings” is something you can work with.

Own your experience. Start with “I feel” or “I need,” not “You always” or “You never.” Compare: “You never respect my time” versus “I feel overwhelmed when meetings run long because I need that evening time to decompress.” One’s an accusation; the other’s an opening for conversation.

Show you see them too. “I know you love our weekly dinners, and so do I...” This isn’t about being manipulative, it’s about remembering you’re talking to a human who cares about you and might be confused or hurt by what feels like rejection.

Make your ask crystal clear. Don’t hint. Don’t hope they’ll figure it out. “I need our calls to wrap up by 9 PM so I can wind down before bed.”

Invite them in. “How can we make this work for both of us?” This isn’t about issuing ultimatums, it’s about problem-solving together.

Remind them why they matter. “I really value our friendship, and I want to make sure I’m showing up as a good friend, which is why this matters to me.”

When It Gets Tricky

The Fear Factor: What if they get mad? What if they leave? But the truth is that people who genuinely care about you will respect your boundaries. And people who don’t? They’re showing you who they are. Visualize the conversation going well. Seriously, picture yourself staying calm, saying what you need to say, and the other person responding with understanding. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality, so you’re basically giving yourself a practice run.

The Guilt Spiral: Life taught many of us that prioritizing ourselves is selfish. Let’s unlearn that right now. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s the only way you can sustainably take care of anyone else. You’re not abandoning people; you’re making sure you don’t burn out and abandon them later.

The Pushback: Sometimes people resist boundaries because, well, they liked things the way they were (with you overextending yourself). Stay calm. Repeat your boundary if you need to. Don’t get drawn into defending yourself for hours. Your boundary doesn’t require their approval, just their respect.

What Changes When You Get This Right

Something magical happens when you start honoring your own needs while still showing up with love and honesty. Your relationships stop feeling like obligation and start feeling like choice. You’re no longer keeping score of who did what. You’re not silently seething while smiling through dinner.

People actually respect you more. They know where they stand with you. And ironically, by creating these clear containers, you actually become more intimate with the people in your life because you’re finally showing up as your real self.

At work, you’re the person who delivers quality instead of burnout. At home, you’re present instead of checked out. With friends, you’re engaged instead of just going through the motions.

Try These

Want to start practicing? Here are some experiments:

Notice your edges. For the next week, just pay attention. When do you feel great? When do you feel drained, frustrated, or resentful? Don’t fix anything yet, just notice.

Practice out loud. Seriously, stand in front of a mirror or call a trusted friend and practice saying your boundaries. “I’m not available for work calls after 7 PM.” “I need to leave by 3 on Thursdays for my kid’s soccer.” Say it until it doesn’t feel weird coming out of your mouth.

Pause before auto-yes. When someone asks something of you, practice taking a breath before responding. Give yourself three seconds to check in: Do I actually want to do this?

Check in afterward. After you set a boundary, ask the other person, “How are you feeling about this?” It keeps the connection alive while maintaining your limit.

The Beautiful Truth

Here’s what I wish someone had told me years ago: you don’t have to choose between having boundaries and having connection. In fact, you can’t have real connection without boundaries.

The relationships that light you up? They’re built on honesty, not people-pleasing. They’re built on freedom, not control. They’re built on two people who both get to be fully themselves while choosing to share their lives with each other.

Setting boundaries takes courage. It takes practice. It takes being willing to feel uncomfortable in the short term for the sake of your long-term wellbeing and your relationships’ health.

But here’s the payoff: you get to be yourself. Fully, authentically, unapologetically yourself. And the people who are meant to be in your life? They’ll not only accept that, they’ll love you for it.

So go ahead. Draw your lines. State your needs. Give yourself permission to take up space in your own life. The people worth keeping? They’re not going anywhere. And the ones who can’t respect your boundaries? Well, they just showed you exactly who they are.

Your Tuesday nights are waiting. Your 5:30 PM exit from the office is valid. Your “not this time” to your friend is allowed.

You get to say yes to yourself. And that, my friend, is where everything good begins.

Cheering you on as you draw your lines and live your life,

Diana